December 2009
15 posts
“He what? He refused a blow job from his ex-girlfriend mid blow job. Do you know...”
4 tags
2am. iHop.
Andrew Mattox: I just want to entertain people...and I just want to teach people about...HOW STUPID THEY ARE. I mean, look at everybody! Nobody knows how to talk to each other anymore! Nobody can connect with each other anymore, it seems. *immediately takes out phone*
Me: ...what are you doing?
Andrew Mattox: Texting.
As We Sit to Write
Rachel: Question for the ages; what would you do if a really hot person came up to you and gave you a muffin.
Me: I'd ask 'Are you bluffin?'
Rachel: You would.
1 tag
“If I died right now, God would look at all of the things I’ve done, and...”
2 tags
I Need to Leave This Apartment
“Hey hey, you you, I don’t like your boyfriend, cuz cuz cuz cuz cuz he sucks at ping pong!”-The Office
God as my witness, I will be DAMNED if I do not learn the choreography to Bad Romance by the end of this weekend. It just needs to happen.
2 tags
Nicole: She has a fucking Chinese symbol on her hand.
Me: Ugh.
Nicole: Oh well, at least she's Asian.
Me: Wow, first time I've ever heard that statement before.
Nicole: I know! Like it's an advantage...
1 tag
An Example of Everything
Kaitlena Cash says that she knows me really well. She knows me well enough to decipher what I say by combing through texts to find words and clips and phrases that sound like something I’d use, which is awesome. But she can’t even spell my last name correctly. :(
“I’m dyslexic, so I can write with both of my hands.” -Liz Williams,...”
3 tags
“I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking ‘No, Scott, I...”
“I walked in this apartment and I felt like I got bitch slapped by...”
Me: The men in my life frustrate me.
Meg: I've been through all of these problems, and look at me now, I'm getting dressed to impress a woman.
Me: Don't say that shit with some foreshadowing tone.
Meg: I'm just saying, Jackie. We're like the same person. We've had the same relationship issues...
Me: Yeah, Meg...but every one stand of hair splits at the end of it.
Meg: Well you're gonna need a trim sometime.
You know at the beginning of the Full House theme song, where it’s like, “Whatever happened to predictability?” He asks it like it’s a universal question, as antiquated, nostalgic, and irreversible as the concept of milkmen and flappers. I feel like I’ve been owing the entertainment industry, no, fuck it, the world its predictability back. I’ve been holding onto...
biffs.
x logic of love: 12 what
somefantasticxx: drummers drumming.
somefantasticxx: 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a milkin, 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying. five golden rings. 4 calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and danny bonaducci in a pear tree.
x logic of love: I KNOW THE REST
somefantasticxx: kay well.
somefantasticxx: future ref.
x logic of love: You need to chill out Johnny Tremain before you burn your hand.
somefantasticxx: ...
somefantasticxx: pointless, incorrect literary reference FOR THE WIN.
somefantasticxx: *for the lose
x logic of love: nahh for the win
somefantasticxx: if you say so, Gene from a Separate Peace.
somefantasticxx: YEAH.
somefantasticxx: JUST AS POINTLESS AND NONSENSEICAL.
x logic of love: THANKS ROZENCRANTZ
somefantasticxx: NO PROBZ, DUNK.
“People ask me if I’m mad at them all the time, but I’m not mad,...”
A Death Wish.
Me: So you back burnered me. I was the pesto in the back on simmer while she was in the front with the ziti and it was boiling and everybody needs the ziti but noo the pesto can wait.
Matt: Who says it's an Italian restaurant? Besides, you're not even Italian, what are you, like, Persian or something?
Me: ....WHAT did you just say? Oh....OH minus points.
Matt: What? You're not Persian?
Me: Lebanese, not the point. I'm an Italian, you asshole.
Matt: So? Okay, I'm Irish and what else?
Me: Um, retarded.