Cardinal Virtues & Chemical Madness

Shooting on location today.

Hopefully I’ll get some good portrait shots.
I’m still trying to figure out when I changed so drastically. Since when did I switch from going the nice attention whore, to the bitch in the background?
When did I become so INTO myself?

Someday, I hope that I get a zillion followers on Twitter, and everyone will love being my friend again, and I can flourish them with vacations and love and all the things I can’t emotionally fulfill at the moment because for some reason I’ve become a different person. 

And at the same time, I have a gig tonight and I’m not even excited. For the first time ever I’m excited about the real world, and the struggles and the excitement. It’s actually kind of relieving. For the first time ever I’m excited about leaving college and becoming independant, and poor and screwed over a bunch of times.

Probably because, I can’t stay comfortable for too long.

Either way, I won’t be passing anything at this point. What with the fact that I’ve been holed up in my room for almost five days because I just don’t feel like going to class anymore.

I just want to get out of this…thing that I have so bad.
But…I don’t know who I am anymore.
Or maybe I do and that’s the problem.

I just want to write a goddamn book, and have people pay me thousands to take their pictures and write for them, and I want to sing and have people come listen, and I want to give. I want to make up for all of these fucking years of taking and I just want to give.

And lastly,

I want to say I’m really sorry.
I’m really sorry that I became the person that my entire life, I fought against.
Because knowing that I’ve done that means I’ve lost.

And losing some things, eventually means you lose everything else.