Cardinal Virtues & Chemical Madness

Rolling. ROLLING. Sound speeds. Mark. Camera ready. Background! Action.

Just when I thought I had it all figured out.

Here I was, thinking I was pursuing photojournalism if music doesn’t work out. And so, as part of my project, I started documenting the making of a film, and because of how detail-oriented and grammatically obsessed I am, now I’m actually…working on a film. Half of the people are learning, the other half have been there for years. And it’s so funny to me how much I love it.

My job on the film is great because it’s individual, it’s important, no assistants, I don’t have to do anything for anybody, technically. (as in “get me a coffee” kind of stuff). I get to sit in a chair next to the director, and I get to see everything that’s going on just as he does. It’s very intimate, and very special, and I feel absolutely honored to have my position on the film.

I only did it so I could have great shots for my photojournalism project, but I’m kind of discouraged. I’m discouraged that my camera isn’t good enough, and that by getting the shots I need I’ll interrupt the process of me actually working.

There’s a photojournalist doing stills on set. He’s only 24 years old and he’s already met president Obama, and been in National Geographic twice. He’s probably the most interesting peer I’ve ever talked to, and I wish I could say I was as good as him. Maybe I can be, maybe I am. Who knows.

But I love working on the set of a film. I love it. And I feel like maybe that’s what I want to do. You know, for a time. Maybe it’s because of my job on set, and I don’t have to lift things or strand around, true…but…

I get to escape my entire life for 10 whole days. 10 whole days of either sleeping, or working. But when I’m working, I’m eating for free, I’m making friends, I’m learning so much. I’m seeing so much. I’m interacting with all these cool people of all ages and backgrounds who are incredible at all these different things. I don’t have the time (in all honesty) to worry about texting people, visiting people, a dress code, school/grades/homework/projects, boyfriends, non boyfriends, where my next meal is coming from, how far I have to drive.

Everything is scheduled for me, and I don’t mind any of it. It’s like I went on a vacation that I’m getting paid to go on, and while I may not get to do everything I want to do, or anything whenever I want to do it, it’s as if…

it’s as if I’ve been handed a glimpse into a totally different life, and I have to be the best at a job I’ve never done in an environment I’ve never been in, and I dont have to worry about anything at all. No bills to pay, no people to apologize to. No errands. No mail. 

I love the movie industry.

And I don’t think it’s because I love the movie industry.

I think it’s because I’m sick and tired of my goddamn life. And I need to move the fuck onto something better and more adventurous. And if that’s music, or photography or film, or fucking…pharmacology, it doesn’t matter. Because despite how LITTLE I want to get out of this bed right now and go to work…

I don’t want it to end.